I don't have any other options for care. And she is old and set in her ways.
She went through about a year of Alanon years ago when my Dad was drinking. It helped the nagging in context of back then but I think she forgot it by now. I have said don't do this, don't clean, don't help, I will get around to it.
She does not recognize it as abusive... doing something for someone else who is supposed to do it for themselves as part of the recovery. It is the same with alcoholism as with my physical needs. I am supposed to be allowed to hold the shopping cart for stability as we walk around the store and I am suppossed to walk to build strength after surgery. Even though I am doped up and it hurts. When the pain is intense I am supposed to sit down. We got to the top of the escalator at the store and she stole my shopping cart and when tooling off to go chew out a clerk about a scratched item. I was telling her mom, mom give me the shopping cart. Mom mom don't talk to her right now. The clerk did not know a thing and did not have to be involved.
It is very similar with alcoholism. My ex BF has to do all this himself...and he yells at anyone trying to be kind at alll (especially a woman). So this is as much about me recognizing that I wanted a simple "get well" email from my ex boyfriend when going into the hospital... and he jumps on me and says go away. So this is mostly about me seeing how I react to my mom the same way my ex boyfriend reacts to me.