Thanks, all. I am having a hard time I guess because I feel like I've been watching him slowly commit suicide and I really love him so much. We were best friends for a while before we ever dated, and have been through a lot together. How do you not love someone after years? Maybe it's habit?
I have pushed him out of my life before, and he has done the same to me, but there is never closure so we always come back. I'm assuming he is keeping the door open by not contacting me, but it feels like torture.
I come from a broken family (could you guess? I think a lot of us here do!), and he has been like family for me. He's 46 and I do worry that his body just can't take it anymore. His family is all in New Zealand, and they rely on me to tell them where he is when he disappears, I don't even know what to say to them. Thanks everyone.