Windancer

My name is Adrianne and I have serious addiction issues. I don't even know what to write anymore, other than to offer encouragement to others. I have tried...or maybe I haven't!!!!
I have been very scared to post the absolute truth on here. I know everyone has a past, everyone has hurts. I hurt so PLEASE if you feel the need to criticize me without any positives, kindly don't bother. Im not afraid of the truth...my soul tells me every day. I do not need another callous negative piece of "advice". I do it enough to myself already.
I have so much of a history I cant even begin....or maybe I can, so many "profesionals" have told me so many different things I am so confused.
All I know is that I knew this was coming, the storm cloud is ever closer, and I still cant seem to find the answer. I am so ******** mad at myself!!! I have so much to give....so much to offer, and I waste it. My partner "opened" the door to drinking the other night (again) and here we go. I NEED to be stronger. If only I could tell my story in a heartbeat, just so someone may understand.
Since my quite date, Ive been CWE Tylenol 1s, taking benzos everyday. That is NOT sobriety. I feel like its the fine line now, I have to perform, and I feel I cant do it without (which is horse crap I know).
I will not give up!!!!!! I don't know the answer, but im open to anything. Ive looked into inpatient, and ive done it before but anything available is a ways off.
So I need to help myself NOW. Sorry SR, Ive been ashamed to tell the whole truth. Ask, and I shall answer honestly.
Nuudawn......I don't know why, I feel I connection with you. Maybe Im right messed up.

Thanks.....I have an open heart and mind.