Birthday Gift
Later today we'll be celebrating my son's 13th birthday. He doesn't know it yet, but he's finally getting his precious, coveted, often asked-for (begged is more like it) smart phone. He's done his time with an old-school flip phone for the past year as well as everything we've asked of him in order to prove he's responsible enough and ready for the smart phone. He has no idea - he's going to freak. I'm sure for him it will be the "greatest gift ever."
What I'm not sure he realizes though is that I'm giving him another gift. No, it's not wrapped in a pretty package and he won't be able to show it off to his friends, but ultimately I think it will prove to be the gift of a lifetime.
Today I'm giving my son a sober mother.
One of the many ways I used to rationalize being a drinking mother was by telling myself that my kids were young, they would never remember me being drunk. I always promised I'd get my act together before they would really realize what was going on. You know how this is going to end, don't you? About 5 weeks ago my son saw me black-out drunk at a family gathering. When I sobered up I realized the damage that had been done. He asked me if I remembered the things I said or did. I defensively...embarrassingly told him yes but I only had a few inklings. It scared the crap out of me. But it still wasn't enough to stop me. I told myself I could keep on - just not around the kids. What a load of garbage.
By the grace of my higher power I got to thinking. One of the tenets of our family is that we have no secrets. This came about after their father left us when I discovered he had been living a double life as a sex addict for our entire marriage. Me drinking behind my children's back was keeping a secret from them. To make matters worse, I was no better than their father and his addiction. I decided enough is enough (again). I couldn't even look them in the eyes or stand to be around them after drinking when they weren't home. I just knew they knew. It began to eat me alive. I had reached the end of my proverbial rope. This is it.
Now my secret is out and as a therapist used to tell me, "We're only as sick as our secrets." Thank God, Allah, Buddha, Xanadu (whatever you believe in) for that!
So here I am today. 1 week sober and fully present for my son's big day with a commitment to our family to keep on trucking on the sober highway. I've used up all my "last free exits" so it's this highway from here on out. Next stop? I'm not sure, but with this new-found commitment to my sobriety, and a re-commitment to our family rule of no secrets, there are no limits for me or my family.
Thanks for listening, for being here and for saving my place.