Originally Posted by
cleaninLI 
Lost I have lots of guilt too...for things I did while using.....so I understand what you are saying. I like your doctor's advice about writing it down in a letter and saving it for later. There are two reasons why I like this. The first is you need peace and comfort right now....and as much support as you can from family and friends. Chaos and stress will only cause triggers. The second reason is that I believe actions are more important to family members than words expressed to them.....at least at this stage in the game. I think she should see the recovered you for awhile....see how much you have changed. This will help her to be able to see the difference between the actively addicted you and the clean you. That way when you are ready to tell her....she will see how you are right now in recovery. It will help her to understand that the disease takes over and causes us to do wrong thing things.
I know it's hard! But work on forgiving yourself....ok?
Try as I might, I could not offer you better advice than this Lost
Clean is right, actions do speak louder than words, much louder. And she can't forgive you if you can't forgive yourself, ya know? Now I'm doing Butter's job - giving good advice to others but not taking it for myself
Hope she is enjoying Germany - maybe she will get to see the Hoff?
Wow, I stayed in bed (well my bed is a recliner so in reality I just sat up a bit) until almost 3:00 in the afternoon! Talk about a lazy day. Though I know we have these "down" times I kind of feel guilty when I do it. Especially today was pretty nice out - not that I had anything to do - I do have things I should do. I really need to do some cleaning - tidying up around where I've avoided. The places where there is a possibility I could run across a stashed or dropped pill. I'm so scared, but need to face that fear soon or I am going to wind up on an episode of Hoarders
I have never thrown out or flushed a pill in my life! Or given it to someone else to do for me. Ugh, I can feel my anxiety stirring just thinking about it. OK, at least one more day of living in my sty lol.
TOD - must be day 20 for you now today, myself as well! What stinks for me is I felt really good and encouraged and motivated at the beginning, and since dropping in to this "funk" as of late I find myself back to feeling how I was on the pills, only without the brief periods of "artificial" happiness. So I keep craving that rush - I mean what's the point of feeling the same way, right? So I have to keep reminding myself I need to get past this part, but it just makes it tougher. But we keep marching!