Suncatcher,
My heart goes out to you. If this happened to me, I would be so hurt. The lies, the blame, the anger, the temper tantrums..... wow.
Okay 3 things:
1. To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble believing your husband's story about staying sober, innocently sleeping all day, and missing his meeting. It just doesn't add up. I too was expecting you to say that you had found the empty bottle of wine, and/or other empty bottles.
In fact, especially considering his recent history of lying to you, I'd be willing to bet money on it that he's already relapsed. This just sounds like the behavior of someone who was sleeping off the alcohol, and who therefore didn't care enough about recovery to go to the meeting. Because he wasn't trying to stay sober, or because he felt too guilty to get out of bed, let alone face the meeting. That might help explain his crankiness.
#2. "Normal" (non-alcoholic) people can just enjoy some wine and be silly and have a lot of fun with friends. That would be really hard for me to be around. It's the part of drinking I miss the most. That might be true for your AH too. When a person starts drinking just to feel "normal," the enjoyment that you had was gone. It's not a possibility for him anymore. So that might be part of what's behind his anger. I'm not defending him here, just offering perspective.
That said, I truly don't think you are to blame. I say this as a recovering alcoholic myself. When other "normal" people are drinking and having fun and I recognize that it's going to be too much for me, I remove myself from the situation. When I'm visiting family, I have to look at the bottle of wine in the fridge and not touch it. Alcohol is everywhere, and people I love drink! He has responsibility for taking care of himself and his illness.
You shouldn't have to stop living your life. I mean I can completely understand the need for a dry house-- in fact I wish I lived in one (but maybe I wouldn't care if my partner was capable of drinking normally, like you can, instead of getting drunk every night-- but that's a whole other story entirely). But anyway. Your AH needs to express this need instead of being passive-aggressive and then subsequently getting angry. (Sounds like a setup to blame you for another relapse.)
And really, if you want to take the cancer metaphor further, if he had cancer, would he want you to stop living your life because he was sick???
3. And perhaps most importantly. What bothers me the most, and makes me so angry, is the fact that he lied to you. For a year. And drove drunk with your dog in the car. With you in the car? And with himself in the car, and other people on the road. What else did he do while intoxicated during this year?
If he's capable of lying about this, what else is he capable of lying about?
Can you ever trust him again?
This would be my biggest concern. I don't know if I could even stay with someone after they broke my trust like that. It's a personal choice, but honesty is one of the most important things to me.