Originally Posted by
AudreyH 
Hi everyone, I could really use some advice on some helpful ways to handle stress without turning to white wine. I have a very dysfunctional relationship with my mother, its quite toxic. I actually moved to be further away from her in hopes it will help but she still manages to cause me pain over the phone.
I started having a bad relationship with wine when I left my husband and filed for divorce, I didn't have any family support and it was rough for myself and I had my daughter to care for. That's been 6 years now, and since then Ive met someone wonderful who I love with all my heart, really great guy and weve had 2 more babies, so we have three altogether now. But since the first marriage, Its been a slippery slope from there with alcohol. I just managed to go 13 days without any, then after a bad phone call from her yesterday and some tears I went out and bought wine.
I know I need to find healthier ways to deal with this, is there any advice out there. I want to quit drinking altogether, I know I cant moderate. That ship has sailed for me years ago. I cant just have 1 drink anymore. I don't want to drink at all anymore and Im trying to not to turn to AL at all anymore. I need help and support.
Welcome to SR. There is a lot of support and information. I am glad you are here.
My advice is to get into some type of recovery program.
If not AA then something. Take your energy and work on your recovery and you. Clear the resentments and the anger and then re-visit the issues with others, your mother included. Get yourself right before you start looking around at others.
I know what it is like to feel pain through the phone lines. I held that anger and resentment for many years in relation to my mother. I get it sista!
I go to AA and in working the steps was able to clear those past resentments.
Unfortunately things with my mother did not improve. Once I was clear in my mind and in my heart I started to see her for what she really is and I believe that is a narcissist. I don't "know" for sure and I assume it is much like being an alcoholic. She would have to come to that understanding on her own or get a clinical diagnosis but I could not wait for that and remain sane with my serenity intact.
She lived with me and I had to ask her to leave. Things got pretty ugly but the one thing she has always done to punish me was the silent treatment and in this case it worked to my advantage. I was able to go almost three months without having contact with her verbally or physically until she was out of my home. All communication was emailed and the only topic was her moving out.
It was not an easy decision but it was one I had to make. I have no contact with her now and I expect it to remain that way. If she is a narcissist then she is not capable of seeing herself in any other way other than she is right and I am wrong.
I am okay with that today but it was not always that way. The guilt trips, the silent treatments, the deniability of ever doing anything wrong, the lies and the gas lighting had me torn up inside for most of my life. That had to end. Mother or no mother. I had to remove her from my life.
I am not saying you need to go that far but at some point a line may need to be drawn and stick to your boundaries. My mother was famous for not only ignoring boundaries but acting as if I had no right to have any.
I have them now and she does not have the power to try and take them away anymore. In reality she never did after I moved out years ago. I allowed them to be broken in half over and over again because it was my mother. I thought mother/daughter relationships were supposed to be difficult at times and maybe that is true but the relationship we had was not normal, it never was. It was a lie and that had to stop.
I was surprised when I took this step and many people not only understood but supported me. I thought I would be looked at as an evil child who was being mean to her mommy. I thought that because that is what I was trained to think all my life. That is not the case. I am a strong, sober, independent woman who was not going to allow someone to continue to verbally, mentally and emotionally abuse me anymore.
It is a perfect example of what support and sobriety can do for someone! Lift them up and give them the power and the help to move on.
Stick around! get some support and don't drink. Take it one day at a time. The rewards are there.