Originally Posted by
Mabel4 
TY Dee. I don't know, it isn't that I don't love myself. I think I don't treat people poorly, I don't actually hate who I am. I am a "stand up girl," always. I just do not know how to make myself special enough for them to care about me. And when sober? If I am not working so hard to make them care, I feel like I have no purpose in life. And me alone feels, well, lonely. And you can't live your whole life alone, but I wonder why I am never enough for the people I seek. I guess that's it.
Because you're spending so much time and effort trying to make people like you. That's the short version. The longer, more complicated and potentially life-changing version resides in your relationship with a trained professional.
A lot of shame in your comments. You're "pathetic" because you have to "pay someone to hear you?" You reach out for help here (in this case, without paying for it...at least so far), but you proceed to turn down that help because, and by doing otherwise, you'd be admitting that you need help by accepting it. So then, therapists are only for people who don't actually need help; and not for those who, by virtue of needing help, are thereby "pathetic." Okay. Now I'm making myself dizzy.
You may be right. You may not actually
have a purpose in life. But how much longer are you willing to wait to start building or allow yourself to discover what's meaningful for you? You can start by stop being someone you think other people will like, and redirect your energies and your attention towards discovering who you truly are.