Too hard to end it all
Hey Everybody,
I haven't posted in a long time, I really only come here when I'm in a bad way, and what do you know, here I am. I think things between myself and AW are coming to an end and it scares me to death. Which is funny because in the middle of horrible week long binges, I've wanted nothing more than to get out in a blaze of glory. In my head I tell her everything that I hate about the situation, I come up with the way to say these things that I think would make me feel 'vindicated' in a sense, and it all seems so right.
Recently she found me looking at adult websites, if you will. Its difficult because I partly blame her, as I've spent many a lonely night with her passed out next to me. Its stupid vicious cycle of blame and hurt with no trust anywhere. I know that ending it and getting the help I need is the right thing, but I can't bring myself to even say the words out loud. I can barely even talk to her about everything, because it mostly falls on deaf ears it feels like, and I'm not a good 'out loud' communicator either, which doesn't help. Seems to me for all the bull# she's caused, she deserves a little pain in her life. But then when that does happen, I feel like a complete failure, because I don't wish this type of pain on anyone.
Every time it comes down to having to talk about the possibility of not being together, I can't bring myself to say the words. Yet I know that staying together IS whats causing me so much pain. I hate this all, and right now this is the only place I feel like I'm able to express any of these emotions. Which I guess is a good start but only adds to the fact that I'm living in my head constantly. I don't know how to be normal anymore, and need to find the strength from somewhere to do what is right.
I feel like this is a jumble of incoherent thoughts, and wish that wasn't the case. I just feel like I'm trapped inside myself, with no way of knowing how to deal with it all.