Mechuen

Hello all,

I've lurked around these boards for several months, and am so grateful for the wisdom that I have been able to read. It has really helped me with my situation. I've absorbed a lot, and now I finally have it in me to post.

I'm a gay man, in my early 50's. Been with my partner for 26 years. He's from South America. He didn't use drugs for the first 20 years (that I knew of), and rarely drank, but would binge once or twice a year, and crazy things would happen on those binges.

About 3 years ago, unbeknownst to me, he started using cocaine with a co-worker. Suddenly he was disappearing once or twice a month instead of the once or twice per year that had happened before. Our relationship hit some serious bumps, to say the least.

A few months into the cocaine craziness, his mother died. This is 2 1/2 years ago. He was very close to his mother. And when she died, it became crazy time. He was disappearing for the night once or twice per week, staying God knows where, doing God knows what. Well, I can imagine, but I'd rather not. Needless to say this was causing a lot of upheaval in my life too. Finally, six months after his mother died, I gave him the ultimatum -- go into treatment, or leave (I own our condo, his name isn't on the title).

He chose treatment, and has been going to outpatient therapy twice per week, as well as attending SCA (Sexual Compulsives Anonymous). I have to give him an A+ for trying. But he has not been able to stay clean for more than a month or so at a time. Most recently he was clean from the end of April until this week -- the longest period of sobriety yet. But he's relapsed and is using again full throttle.

I feel terrible for him. I see that he's trying, he's going to therapy, working his program, etc., but every time he gets some progress under his belt he relapses. It's like that nasty voice inside his head, the one that tells him "f*ck it," just has to win out every few weeks.

And each time it does, he becomes a little sicker in general, a little more distant, a falls a little further into the rabbit hole. And that nasty side gets a little bit more powerful.

I love the guy that I've lived with for 25 years, but I see clearly that he is not the person that he was even 5 years ago. He's meaner, he's more selfish, more self-absorbed. I don't like this new person very much. I still see flashes of the old person, just enough to keep me roped in, but I know that the old and the new person are one and the same. It doesn't matter who he was yesterday; this is who he is now.

And his addiction is taking a toll on me. I have slowly isolated myself over the past couple years. It used to be that, when he went on his yearly bender, I'd call friends, make other plans, go for a short vacation, but when the cocaine use started, especially after his mother died, I got so damned worried, and tried to help him through his problems. When he's using I get stressed and it throws me off of my stride. It's like I've gotten to a point where I need permission just to take care of myself in simple ways. I never used to be like this. I guess I suffer from codependence. And I guess codependence is a progressive disease too.

Anyway, these are just some thoughts that I am trying to work through. I am realizing tonight that I can't keep thinking about him, that I need to put the focus back on me, that I am the one who needs to change if I want to be happy. I read on these boards, "you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't fix it." And now more than ever I feel the truth of these words. By working hard to maintain a peaceful home, a comfortable life, I have protected my partner from the harshness of his disease. I have enabled him.

Well, this is where I am at. I've rambled enough for tonight. Thanks for reading.