4MyBoys

Hi all who may remember me.

I have not been on in quite some time. I actually am living my life and not so wrapped up in my XAH's BS, so I don't really feel the need to come on here lately. That is true movement forward.

As you may remember I was married to an alcoholic police officer for about 18 years. He drank very heavily the last 10 years of our marriage. He got so out of control when I left three years ago that I ended up having to get the courts involved and get a restraining order against him because he tried to use his vehicle as a weapon against the boys and I. We have been involved in a divorce that has been contested by him every step of the way. The court had to appoint an attorney for my boys. Not to frighten anyone thinking of filing but it was been in court for three years and is still not done. At the end of last year everything started blowing up in my X's face. His lies. He was missing visits. He ended up in the hospital for four days because of drinking. He was not functioning. He has going to lose the boys.

Well a miracle happened earlier this year. Something clicked for him. After the first of the year I did notice that he seemed different. He started going to all the boys practices and games along with the visits. The boys were really enjoying seeing him. While we were in court in June he and his attorney shocked everyone. His attorney said they wanted to address the elephant in the room and finally, finally, finally admitted that he had a drinking problem that had caused all the issues in his life. (He had blamed me for all the issues in every court document for years up to this point) He showed AA sign in sheets for months prior and said he had a sponsor.

He seems to not be drinking. I don't know how much more than that but his limited communication with me seems much more civil.

I am hesitantly hopeful for the boys. Now this means nothing for he and I, but I am so happy for my kids. They need him in their lives. I still think he is a narcissistic jerk but if he can keep it together for the visits, hell yeah I will take it. I am afraid that the fall may be great this time if he falls off the wagon and it would really break my boys hearts. But we could die in a crash tomorrow and darn it, I am going to enjoy this period of calm and not muck it down with worry of what might happen. Just keep my eyes open.

I have fought hard to find this calm in my life. I just hope that for the boys, he does the same.

I wanted to share for the people here who are new and feeling hopeless. When I started cruising the boards I was a mess of jello emotions. I hardly knew myself anymore. I just knew I wanted to keep my kids safe. They deserved better. I surrounded myself with people who cared and started asking others for help. I told the truth after living in lies for years. I got help.

We now live in a lovely house that is decorated super cute. My boys have lots of friends. Their grades have improved so much that they have been on honor roll every semester since we left. I got my older son a councilor and she has been wonderful helping him to interact with his Dad in positive ways that don't make it so scary. My health has improved. I feel like a new person. I have lost 70 pounds and run 4 miles a day and work out with weights. Don't underestimate the power of exercise in your life. Helps clear the mind of all the garbage. It helps with the ego to get called smokin' hot occasionally also after hearing how ugly you are for so many years from the man that was supposed to love and honor you. (Oh he looks now. Heehee.)

This is not the life I imagined for myself when I got married but I have created a good life for myself and my boys. I am proud of it. I am proud of myself.

Don't be afraid to take that first step towards a positive new life. Life was not meant to be like how you are living now.

4MyBoys