lillamy

I would make no commitment to, nor move in with, an actively using addict, regardless of substance.

It really is like invasion of the body snatchers, isn't it? They look the same. And then when their addiction is challenged or threatened, it's like Dr. Jekyll turns into Mr. Hyde. Like they're possessed.

The thing is -- until and unless they get sober, and into serious recovery (recovery: physical, emotional, and spiritual), you will always live with both Jekyll and Hyde.

I, like Confused, married an addict not realizing he was an addict. We were relatively young and both in lines of work where going to an upscale bar with clients was par for the course. I imagined once we married and had kids, that we would adjust that behavior and become responsible. He never intended to. When I insisted, he just moved his drinking to the basement at home and drank alone instead of with clients or buddies.

I got my wonderful kids out of the 20 years of alcoholic marriage. I can't regret my choices because of my kids. But I would never, ever, ever advice anyone to marry an alcoholic and "see how it goes"... the pain, the descent into hell, the abuse... nobody needs that. Nobody deserves that.

I think learning as much as you can about alcoholism, and about what to expect, is a great place to start. And then figure out in your own mind if that is what you want to do with your life. If you want to stay with this man even if things never get better than they are right now. Because if he doesn't want to quit drinking -- for himself, not for you -- then that's what you're looking at.