I appreciate that feedback, CodeJob. It isn't possible for me to get too sucked in to him because being terrorized by him so thoroughly, part of me is completely gone to him. Which strangely makes me safer than I used to be.
I want to conclude the divorce. I want him to give us more money, too. My lawyer said to be nice to him this week before Monday's final mediation. That was in response to my question of whether I might come away with significantly more child support/alimony. So I could just meet him face to face. But twice during mediations I have been face to face with him and he starts considering offering me more, then starts to retract it, then I get really mad and my mouth starts running its own program in spite of my brain, and then we have the makings of a small scene.