My kids leave in two weeks to go spend two weeks with their dad. One of my worst fears is that they won't want to come home.
My ex would never keep the little ones. The two older one's though - he might. They are easy kids to live with. It is the only thing that has kept me from going after the thousands and thousands of dollars in child support that he owes me - or all the money he owes for his share of the medical bills this year. Once again I find myself trying to manipulate the present to manipulate the future out of fear. If he convinced the older two that they should live with him - it would be hell to keep them with me. I might win the battle in court but I don't think I'd win the battle with them. I don't even know if there is an age here but they are 13 and 15 so close to it if there is. They love him and all the things he does with them. If they lived with him, and the two younger ones with me - I'd owe him child support.
They deserve all the things he does with him. They deserve a dad. He lives on the other side of the state though and he moved away from us - not the other way around. I could not be involved like I would need to be. He is NOT equipped to manage and coordinate their health and educational needs. He seems to get overwhelmed managing his own needs.
My experience, and what I always forget when it's me in the situation, is that anyone can demand/say/threaten whatever they want, but with high conflict people it's usually a bluff. With my ex, he's all talk, no follow-through, and he's shown me this enough times that I should be able to brush him off.
My son is probably concerned about coming home after being in trouble, and whether or not I'm going to be hard on him, and getting weird and anxious about it with his dad before the big switch. His dad, instead of telling DS to be accountable, is using this as an opportunity to stir the pot right before my half of the summer begins. DS gets a sympathetic ear, and ex gets to needle me. Win/win, ha.
I've been thinking about this over the last day and based on some of your suggestions and considerations I think maybe I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too with my son. I'm trying to be the enforcer AND his buddy, and maybe those things aren't compatible. His dad, who really has no interest in things like rules or consistency for his kids, gets to just be the buddy, and I should accept that this is the way it is and not have so much anxiety about it.