Thanks, everyone
The latest bad is: I still don't have an updated financial statement from xah. He has sent me piles of long crazy ranting emails with every issue he can think of in there and threats about trying to force me out of my home. He wants me to organize and drive the children to their activities while they are staying with him and I am in another state. He is angry that there are responsibilities that come with the children because he thinks he should get to relax and not have to handle anything.
The good is: There is some forward momentum about splitting belongings. I am going to the house in two days to get my stuff/what I can.
I also just sent him a vague proposal about helping him to stay in our family home if he gives me similar support on my end and we have everything officially agreed upon with attorneys.
It will be interesting to see everyone's response to that.
I can't seem to concentrate on anything else. That has been the big problem these past two years. I am a very single-focus kind of person, in that if I am working on a big project - I obsess about the big project. Dealing with xah - first to try to understand his behavior, abuse, alcoholism, personality disorder - and then to get through the divorce - has been huge. That's why I put it off for so many years because I had four young children and I couldn't do anything but put all of my love and energy into them.
When this is all done (God willing it will be soon!!!) then I can get the rest of my life in order.
I feel like everyone connected with me is holding their breath that things will all work out this week. Praying for xah feels like the best use of my time. I see he is struggling. I told him that I will help him to keep the house. I used to think he would only get better if the house was taken away from him. If I pulled out of his life and kept the children safe from him. Then he would be forced to look at himself. I don't have the power to do any of that. This is between him and God.
Thank you again for giving me the opportunity to think all of this through.