Florence

My DS14 is the child of a relationship when I was in my late teens. He has lived with me since he was a baby, sharing joint custody and visitation with his dad. His dad and I have always had a tense and distant relationship from the beginning, though it has eased up over the last few years as I have grown with counseling and focusing on my own healing. I strongly suspect my ex has some personality disorder. I call him NPD just as a shorthand for all of his selfishness and the crazy hijinks he expects others to live with for enjoying his company. He drug me through the mud when we went through our custody hearing when DS was a toddler, and in the past he has stalked me, lied to and about me, and generally been manipulative and acted in bad faith.

My son loves him, however. He likes to go to his house on the weekends, stay up late, work out with his dad, and play video games until the wee hours of morning. His dad is very unserious about whether my son gets eight hours of sleep, for example, or if he's doing well in school. He's safe over there, but they are so loosey goosey with rules and expectations, usually at the whim of whatever crap his dad is up to.

This arrangement worked out well until my XAH, who my son loved and said was his real dad, plummeted into full alcoholism and I had to divorce him. By this time, my ex had remarried and had another son and stepson. They live nearby in another school system. Last year they had serious drama and were threatening to divorce, all while I was getting one myself. They sold their house, he got an apartment and a girlfriend. My son was torn up over this, just so disappointed in all of is adults for screwing up. They ended up reconciling and for all I know are doing fine now. But DS really focused his ire on me, and despite really focusing on repairing myself and our relationship, I know he merely tolerates me and my family activities. He thinks that the chores he does for me, for which he earns a healthy allowance, are slavery. He thinks limits on internet time and expectations around his grades are grossly unfair.

Once I split with XAH, he started a new chorus. I want to live with my dad. I have been able to put this off for two years, but it continues to come up every few months now. I know his dad is in his ear telling him how great it will be, but I'm afraid of what it will do to DS when it's inevitably less glamorous over there than he thinks.

My biggest practical concern:

DS is currently in the best public school system in the state, small class sizes, fast track to good colleges, due to living with me in this school system. If he moves with his dad, he will live in a bigger county school system with a lot of crime and lower scholastic results. This breaks my heart. I've made a lot of personal sacrifices to live where we do for this reason.

Smaller concerns: loose rules at his dad's around daily expectations. His dad doesn't know or care if he showers or does his homework or brushes his teeth. He doesn't buy him clothes until it's dire. His dad is hopelessly devoted to video games. I like to game sometimes, but his time is excessive and he likes DS to stay up until all hours of night to play with him. This is problematic for a lot of reasons, primarily school.

Also: Are they as emotionally stable as they appear to be right now? What if it doesn't work out?

Emotionally, this really hurts that I haven't been able to fix what's wrong between us. Part of me thinks he should have this experience, good and bad, but I worry that it will mean our little family is more fractured and our relationship more strained as a result.

His dad emailed me this weekend asking to talk about it again and I said I would meet with him and his wife to talk it over. I'm nervous and a little afraid of how this will change everything.

You guys have always given me solid things to think about, so please don't fail me now! What so you think? What should I be considering?