Hi Ollie, I relate well to your situation because I married my husband less than three years ago and got sober just before we were married. I too have those thoughts and feelings that I don't deserve this normal guy, this normal marriage. And the fears of him regretting marrying an alcoholic or problem drinker. I would pick fights for no reason under the influence, just like you.
Speaking from my own experience, I knew I had a drinking problem. I knew it ten years ago. But coming to the place of seeing just how bad it was for me took a while. We continue to justify, rationalize, make excuses for the drinking. That is inherently part of what addiction is. Despite the outward signs and negative consequences, such as fights, car accidents, etc.
My suggestion is to get sober, and then whatever issues arise after that... you'll know that those are things you can now look at with clear eyes and clear mind. Removing alcohol from this equation was my first step to a good life that I do deserve, and we all do deserve a good life
