I have asked God to help Xah. He just isn't doing so well.
Here I was yesterday, all the way from Europe, then driving six hours from my mother's house to meet three lawyers and xah to try to finish this divorce.
The lawyers were good. I sat at a long table on one end with them. Xah put himself in a chair at the other end, pushed his chair away from the table and held himself back from us all. We tried to resolve the question of the house, the belongings, the support and alimony. I saw four women working together and one man trying to drag things out and being rather uncooperative.
He didn't have his financial statement updated as required. No explanation forthcoming. He pretended to not have received the proposed list to divide belongings sent to him and his lawyer two months ago, then resent at his request late June. Then - he had it in his computer after all. It only costs over half a grand each for each hour we spend going over things he could have resolved cost free ages ago. Then he threatened to leave his high-paying job so everything would come to a grinding halt.
He's blocked. Such is denial. He may not be able to afford the family house and he can't keep all that stuff without paying me for it. He did receive a ton of money this spring and who knows what he did with it. Without the financial statement we don't know but we do know that he received big bucks and he didn't put it anywhere responsible. But he wants the 6 bedroom house and all of the stuff in it. Otherwise, he said that the children won't want to spend time with him. He said that he thinks that is what I want. Sad.
After that statement, I spoke to him longer than I have in almost two years, since he went crazy. I told him that the children don't care so much where he lives and what stuff he has. I told him what they really want is a father who is honest, reliable, kind and considerate. They want a father that they can look up to. When I said that, he looked down at the floor, fumbled with some papers, and got ready to leave. He thinks he can't be that person.
Once I get the updated financial statement, I am probably going to give him the house and a lot of the stuff in exchange for having him help me get a better place to live with the children in Europe. He's on my lease now, and I will need him on my lease again or I will not be able to move for a very long time yet. That might be me dreaming, eh, but he may not be able to have the house at all otherwise, and it would give the children what they want - which is two happy parents and two good places to be. I would be still tied to xah, but with four children I am stuck with him in many respects any way. I want to get a slightly bigger place a little further out of town and maybe then I can pay less rent.
I felt good yesterday. I felt strong, grounded, funny, and competent. Through all of this I learned the following: I am not going to break that easily; and time will pass and things will sort themselves out - slowly, painfully slowly - but sort they will. I had all three lawyers on my side.
Well, then of course there had to be drama afterwards. I delivered my younger children to xah for their visit with him in our family home. DD14 has already been with him this past week. She was furious with me. Because after the mediation, he told her that I am planning on taking the children's belongings - to sell them. Great, xah. Way to start a nice visit with your children who have traveled across the world to see you.
He's like a problem teen with a whole lot of cash.
I hope someone else out there learns from these exploits. My message to you is: if it is really hard being in your marriage, it may be very hard getting out of your marriage. It may take a very long time and everything you've got. But life is long and the sun will shine and good will prevails.
God bless xah. And my children. And yours.
