Ok, so here is an update - one week later. She has stayed in contact over the past week, calling or texting each day., telling me she misses me, being at home, and so on. Yesterday she texted that she wanted to talk, would I be home in the evening? I said yes.
She came over, pleasantries out of the way, we sat down and she says ok, it has been a week, she has been sober, going to a meeting each day, and really immersing herself in the program in a way she never has before. She has discovered that she can reach out to people, call for help or just to talk, and it is working for her. She misses me, she misses the dog, she misses our house, she wants to come home. Through all of this, there is an edge, almost belligerent attitude, and she finishes with kind of a "so there" body language and facial expression.
The whole thing took me aback - it was so strange. Long story short, I told her I get that couch surfing is no fun, and you miss your home, and maybe - just maybe - me. But just the way you are making your case tells me I am not up for that.
First of all, why now? You have only been sober for a week. How many times have you told me that "this time I am really really really done drinking?" There is no credibility, and I would think if you really were sincere about this, you would understand. I really do hope that you have found some answers here, and are truly on the road to recovery, but I don't feel all that willing to risk my well-being and sanity on you after only a week. Also, you say you love me and miss me - yet since you arrived, you have expressed no concern for me, no apology for what you have done, no remorse, just trying to convince me you are sober. You say you want a loving marriage, and yet all of this conversation has been about what you want or deserve. You are treating this like I am punishing you by making you leave, but I assure you that is not what this is about. I simply cannot be around your behavior, and one week is not nearly enough to convince me you are for real, and I am unwilling to risk my sanity because you are running out of friends to lean on. I really and truly hope you have found recovery at long last, I really do. But YOU pushed this to the point where I could no longer stand it. I am not trying to "teach you a lesson", even though that might be what you are feeling.
Here is where it got really strange. I said - but I understand that you miss the house, miss the dog, and you are right, it is your home too. I said I am willing to stay in a hotel or with a friend for a few days so you can have that for a bit. Then she starts back-pedaling, no, no, I don't want you to do that, and shifts the conversation to how she can't find a hotel that is nice but not overly expensive. I almost feel bad - I suggested she try to find a house-sitting gig instead, and she immediately called some friends of ours who are out of town and arranged to stay at their place. Anyway, it was odd how quickly the idea of coming home flew out the window, and still, how little concern I felt from her for me.
All in all - a very strange conversation, leaving me little doubt that she is still living in alcoholic fantasy land where her actions do not have any effect or consequences, and everything is about her and what she wants. I feel glad that I found the strength to not give in, and could maintain my detachment - while still caring for her. And - while it was totally twilight zone, at least I could continue the conversation in a way that did not erupt into complete insanity, even though there were times when I simply could not believe what I was hearing. I kept reminding myself that this was little more than quacking, and no good can come of giving her what she wants. So, the saga continues...