Hi and welcome, Clementina! I was also a binge drinker. Had been drinking that way since my late teens. Complete with the awful blackouts and not knowing what the heck happened. Like you, I tried countless times to moderate... I even joined Moderation Management for a few years. It never worked. And the blackouts just got worse over time. I too feel so lucky to be alive. I've done outrageous things while drunk... cooking, catching my hair on fire, leaving the front door open all night, etc!
Anyway... glad you are here. SR has been the best online support I've ever found. And it's just been a great source of inspiration as well. There are some really great folks here who understand and have been there. You're making a great decision to get sober!