thank you all so much! This is indeed hard and I already hear my AV trying to sabotage me (see I told you so...you can't win). I felt alone last night and went to bed feeling afraid but I did not drown my sorrows and today your kind were a huge wave of inspiration and I realized whether or not we save our marriage, I need to save myself. I still don't want to believe I can never pick up the bottle again but that's how it keeps fooling us isn't it? Can we truly never touch the stuff again? or as some people have said...just don't touch it today! One day at a time.