What got me stuck was the "hum" prefix. I associated with humiliation, which I'd had my share of and the whole notion made me turn away from any HP who inflicted that on me. I spent a large portion of my childhood being humiliated by adults who were supposed to protect me. The thought that god would do it seemed almost reasonable for a long time. I must have deserved it, otherwise why would it be happening? I hated god, I thought god hated me. No other explanation.
Through my work in Alanon, I found a new HP, one who held out a hand in friendship, to help me when I stumbled. Not one who pointed and laughed and said "Ha ha, she fell, look at that stupid, worthless b!t(h."
I spent my life in terror of shortcomings because they were an excuse for others to treat me like I was nothing. I didn't understand that I could have weaknesses and ask someone for help in overcoming them. That such an exercise would make me stronger and not weaker.
I recently worked through a situation with my older son that required me to choose whether I would resort to my old character defects or lean on my Alanon program. I used my program (mostly) to navigate the situation and was able to see and compare to what the "old me" would have done and what results that might have yielded. The outcome would have been the same, but I would have been crazy, which would have made everything worse.
Once I saw that, I was able to humbly ask my HP to remove those shortcomings and to be grateful for the lesson.
Thanks again DD. These steps threads are really helping me to be a better parent because I'm able to make the connections between my ACoA behavior and my parenting instincts. This has been a great tool in helping me to examine my gut reactions and see where my own childhood fits in to the greater scheme of things.