I feel your pain. It's right that they take things out in a safe place...yay you, you're that place.
Seriously, you are, and that's wonderful, but it soooo stinks when you're trying to recover yourself as learn what not to accept from ANYONE. You can't run away from your kids. And if you're like me, you then have guilt for even thinking that.
In the beginning I relaxed a little because I couldn't do it all. They used screens more than I historically liked (still do), but it was a battle I couldn't fight. I actually created just a few basic rules- clean up your own messes in "public" parts of the house, get good grades and I leave school stuff alone (hammer drops if you get a C or lower), and ask me for when/where you're going. Everything else (bedtime, eating, anything) I decided somehow funneled into those three key rules. I was able to ignore everything else (their rooms, etc). Not mom of the year rules, but it kept things where I could handle them.
DS14 triggers me a lot because of the abusive tactics he learned. I remind myself he has hope, but in the first year I completely shut down when he did it. Two things have helped me recently---
First, I had tried so hard not to say negative things about their dad. I read all the books that said it's the worst thing you can do, and I was also afraid X would claim alienation. BUT, I realized that I couldn't point out the unhealthy things the kids learned if I wasn't clearly stating which of X's behaviors were wrong. So I started. Both sons seemed to gain a lot more respect for me (very hard to start) when I honestly told them ways in which X treated me unacceptably. They saw it. Kids know. Without me explaining (calmly), they were lost and doomed to repeat it. They needed to see my true feelings to validate right and wrong--calmly, not emotionally. I started by taking them out to dinner and telling them that trough counseling I had learned that we all lived in an abusive household, and I hadn't fully realized it, but it was unacceptable, and I will never allow that in our home again (from anyone). I told them there are many things we all need to learn to make sure we have healthy future relationships, and that I'd be talking to them more about this. That was it. I took them to a DV counselor who is working with them (made it happen since I had decided it was a family responsibility, so if they choose not to fulfill responsibility, they don't get family privileges--cell phones). They bluffed and raged and tried everything (you're making me, etc), but I simply stated it was their choice and had nothing to do with me. It was a HARD week. I felt completely beat up. They're a few months in to counseling now.
Second--I just started an "abuse a week" thing where I teach them about forms of verbal abuse. I write it on a dry erase board and make them talk through examples with me. They hate it.
We just did "belittling", which is how they were treating me during that exercise. Beautiful. I couldn't have done this last year, so it's progress and I hope it sticks somewhere in their brains. I'm also going to do Codie behaviors.
Change happened very slowly, but I feel it. This summer I decided they can earn a good weekly allowance, but I leave a list of daily chores when I go to work. They have no camps or activities, so I told them I shouldn't have to clean anything in the house because I'm still working full time to help the family. First week lots of complaining... and half pay, because when you're paid for a job you don't get to complain. They were ticked off, but I had explained it to start, so I didn't cave. I wouldn't engage and told them they know what to do next week to earn it all. Then I left.
I look around now and can't believe the order that I've created. Even four months ago I couldn't have pictured it.
I still have no idea if my sons will become healthy adults, but now I am naming the abusive tactics and pointing them out when they happen. Deep down they're both terrified of becoming their dad, though they don't discuss it. I AM TOO!
Sorry for all the info, but I know where you're at. The entire first year I wanted to run away and hated myself for it. I still do sometimes, but not as badly.
Hugs to you today. YOU can change how they interact with you by deciding what you'll accept. You can't control their behavior, but you CAN control what's required for your home and your privileges. Hang in there!