Rough Days
My exA and I have been separated for going on 2 years now. He's in recovery, but the disease has really affected him and his health is failing. He was very verbally and emotionally abusive, in ways that make me wonder if he has an underlying mental issue.
The verbal abuse and manipulation really hasn't stopped. I learned to walk away.
He left, and I was happy. Going to al-anon, finding myself. Moving forward with a career shift, building a new beginning. Slowly, but it was happening.
I am feeling really down. My kids copy his attitude towards me, and it is so heartbreaking. I could not stop my exAs bullying--I have to walk away. But wtf do I do with my kids? I know, boundaries, all of that. My therapist warned me two years ago that they'd probably do this for a little while. It still hurts.
At the same time, I feel so trapped. The more I step away from my A, the more he cultivates the kids as his codependents. If I set hard boundaries, they complain to him, and he's no adult. I don't see a well person, thinking clearly.
It's just depressing. I hate summer, they are here and either they're complaining about something, or they're on the screens he bought them that I said 'No" to (when we discussed it. he didn't listen, or was blacked out).
So now I feel like I'M the one failing my kids: should be planning summer fun, but I'm out of money, should be enjoying time together, but when we are together, it's miserable. Should be doing more, but I'm so exhausted, and so sick of knowing that whatever I do, it's going to be dissected and criticized by the people I love.
I could work harder (neglecting the kids), spend more time with the kids (lazy, not working enough), focus on my own wellness (Selfish!!!) or just curl up in bed (crazy!).
Their screen time starts to feel like a godsend. I want to enjoy my kids company, but they have a lingering suspicion that everything I do is stupid.
I have the kids, the house, the pets, all of the responsibility, which is okay with me, because I can see he's not well, and maybe not sober. But I also get so much flak! I deal with it calmly, and I see that as I write this, I try to explain to my kids how to be more empathetic, or why I am making the choices I make. I did the same with my ex, but he never really cared. He was just bullying me.
I also hate 4th of July. He's away, and the kids are still excited about it, but he always drank too much, and if he'd been abstaining, it was usually the start of a new binge cycle.
I'm going back to my therapist on Monday. maybe she can meet with me and the kids as a family. I really isolated myself during my time with their dad--I was convinced no one else would like me, either. Now, I have two hurting, sulking, young adults around--and even though the A is gone, I STILL don't want to have friends over b/c of the awkwardness!!!!
I guess I have to not take responsibility for the kids' moods, either. Anyways, thanks for letting me rant!!