Glad to meet you Ceec - welcome.
I tore myself up with memories of what I'd done. I finally decided to be kind to myself, and go easy on the remorse and guilt. It doesn't hurt to remember that we never want to go back there - but to constantly dredge up specific events is damaging. In my case, it led me to drinking again a few times. I got fed up with wallowing around in the past, held my head up, and started walking forward. With the help of SR I made it. I'm so happy you came here for some encouragement. You have many friends now - ones who understand and want to help.