QuietlE77

Good-Morning! It's a gorgeous morning here, where I live and I am grateful to God for that. Now I promise, that this morning's post is not going to be the near novels that I have been posting, reasons being, 1) I just adopted a baby girl(chiahuahua), last night and she is so sweet I can barely keep my eyes off her, and 2) I realize that not everyone else has time to actually read my over-sized threads. That's fine with me!:-)
I have to admit that although I am so very happy to receive feedback and anyone and everyone's comments are Always welcome, right now, I'm kind of like Alice(you know? From Wonderland) where I tend to give very good advice, but I very seldom follow it. Just the validation, that I am involved in an abusive relationship, as I wasn't comfortable with this idea, before, is enough for me at the moment. I'm told, so often that "I" am the one with the problem, and most recently, that "I" am not able to handle HIM(my AH) getting better, so I'm trying to CAUSE him pain. Which anyone who has read my sequence of events, leading up to today, could see that just isn't the case.
I have admitted that I have a problem. I have admitted that I am at this point in time, feeling powerless over my problem. Doing the work is the next step and a lot of the suggestions posted in reply to my threads, have not only been the soundest advice that I've heard in years, but also have made me feel more-so EMPOWERED and much less POWER-LESS! I thank anyone who has ever read my recent short story admissions and taken the time to comment. Unfortunately, I'm not quite there yet. This past weekend, while taking my children to my Parents' home, I felt empowered. While I was there, I thought that I was doing something positive for myself and my kids; getting them out of the home, when I sensed danger emerging. When I did return home, though the fire was still smoldering, and I still had to work to put it out. It wasn't ok that I take 12 hours for myself and my kids, because MY AH felt alone and abandoned after coming home from a concert with his friends, that he says was very important for me to attend with him. He called and called and texted and texted and periodically I answered the phone and or texted back, but when I did, it didn't stop. Had I answered the phone at 6,7,8,9,10,11,12 o'clock and every minute in between. Had I come outside when he drove all the way over to my parents' house(where he is NOT welcomed) and sat out on their porch with him at 2am, everything would have stopped. If only I had gotten out of bed and answered his call, on MY PARENTS' line, that woke everyone up at 7:45am, THEN everything would have been ok. Finally, if only I would've given him the money that he needed and wanted, there wouldn't have been a problem and i wouldn't have ended up at my parents' house in the first place.
I texted my husband before FINALLY going to sleep with my daughter, after an excruciating argument with my teenage son about a very urgent matter. After already having a couple conversations, earlier with my husband, that turned quickly into arguments. I didn't have the energy to get back on the phone with him. Texting a message, letting him know that I was alright,
telling him a bit about my talk with my son and telling him how tired I was and had been for some time, and how badly I needed sleep, but that I would call him first thing in the morning(which turned out to be nearly noon, by the time I woke up)and we could talk and work things out. I truly felt that, that would be enough to ease his mind from the plethora of suspicious, and irratic thoughts he had, like sharks, swimming in circles around his brain, biting and picking away at him. He told me later that it did nothing but arouse his suspicions even more.
Anyways, I said I wasn't going to write a book and I'm not keeping my word. I sincerely apologize. Last night I explained to him, the best I could, how I felt, why I felt it and what I wanted to do about it. I wasn't able to make much headway. It would almost appear as though there was a glimmer of hope, but then, him being so frightened at the thought of me gaining some strength, getting away from the house, meeting people, and ultimately leaving him, he would quickly start to revert back to the same o'l same o'l; You talk too much(which I do at times). You can't hold down a job(which I haven't in a very long time), if you work, go to school, make friends, leave the comfort of this beautiful home that I/HE has so graciously provided for me and my children, I will fail and fail miserably and then he certainly WON'T come back to help me pick up the pieces. I eventually gave up on the conversation, took the positives where I could find them(we both were honest, as far as I could tell. He honestly believes that I will fail, and that I'm not capable of a whole lot.). What I did start to understand, though, which is even more important I feel, is that as much as I try to defend and understand and feel bad for my AH, he doesn't have the same power over me that he used to. He is getting better, as far as his recovery, but in many, if not more ways, SO AM I! I'm no longer allowing myself to believe and own, what he thinks are truths about me. Only I know me better than anyone. Not him!.... I'm still here, yes. My kids are still here, and that's something that I need to think about more, and sooner than later come to grips with. I'm no longer in the mind-set though of playing quiet and dutiful wife, telling anyone and everyone of my sorrows and becoming the saint or the martyr for it. I no longer feel that my Husband is the horrible monster that is trying to keep me under his thumb. He is trying to control me, but that's because he's sick, just like me and he may never understand that, he may never get better, which is fine, too. The important thing is that I understand it and I get better. That I know what I say, is the truth as I see it. I am my own judge, my own confident, my own best friend. I am responsible for my own actions and reactions and finally, no one can or ever will love me and care for me, if I don't first Love and Care for myself.
I hope that all of you Take Care and Love Yourselves Today! It's a wonderful feeling. Have an Awesome Day!!!:-))