Gosh I love your honesty! You are so honest with yourself, it is so refreshing to read! You are surely on the right path. Your courtship described my courtship and marriage. I've tried to quit so many times and I would always drink again because my husband annoyed me. I finally got to the place where I won't let anything I think or feel about him make me want to drink. I know what I was doing when we were dating was wrong, and it was my decision to drink with him and do everything, and now I want to make that right and not blame him because he annoys me now that I am sobering up. It took me 12 years to think right in this department. I finally got to the point here where no matter how I "feel" about him, that has nothing to do with me getting sober this time. I push the thoughts away because I know they will make me drink and I stay busy and productive and I know that I don't have to think or do anything about him or my marriage right now. He is a perfectly great guy who has put up with my crap too, so I just set the thoughts aside. We got into it on my day 5 and that is usually when I pick up a drink again, and I did not. I am on day 9 which is the longest straight stretch I have had in 12 years. He and I are barely speaking, but it does not bother me at all. Not.at.all. I put it aside in favor of sobriety. I often have thought that I subconsciously used our relationship as my own personal excuse to keep mommy's little helper going all these years. I don't know how I did dinner and the dishes without my friend alcohol tonight, but it got done. The last thing on my mind right now is fixing my marriage or thinking about him. It's like a broken record I don't want to play anymore. Somehow I know when my mind unclouds, maybe months from now, I will see that we really liked each other all along, and the drinking only got in the way of things being more fabulous than I can imagine. For now, I just don't give it a second thought. I know it's a portal to drinking again if I obsess about him. ANNOY AHOY! I'm sailing anyway!