Likewise Amy with your compliments, likewise!!!
I do understand that so many offer me logical and rational and sound advice from the head. I want to be able to do that....overall I am not a stupid person. I know what is right and what I should do. It is that grey, elusive area that causes me problems and only I can get that heart stuff in check. Everytime he leaves the time for me to get better gets faster. I have not cried at all today!! I know I am not yet strong enough to say "sorry...no you can't live here".....but maybe with the help of this forum even if he does come back it won't be for long. I can't offer him the picnic he wants. I can't support him. Someone asked his age - 43. I budget and take money from my savings but he can drink and use tobacco and buy coffee at c- store???? IMO those are all luxury items when one has bills to pay.
Amy -- you also brought to my attention that no way he has worried about me in all this - like how I am feeling, what I am doing, etc. It is ALL about him ALL the time. That is another issue we have that has grown so large in me. I am sick of it! I am a balanced, fair person. Like I'll watch what you want tonight and tomorrow is your turn. Nope. He typically won't do anything as simple and fair as that.
m1k3 - love the lifeguard analogy and I will add it to my vocab!!!
I am seeing more clear that even if I could help him - now is not the time because I have to heal myself first. But that doesn't solve my problem if he shows up with nowhere to go. I'll just somehow have to deal with it and try to make the best of it.
And by the way ....he does NOT have a key to my house. I sometimes can't even trust him with something as important as that. He loses keys and things when he is drunk.