Hey Liz, as time goes on, your posts seem to be about your struggle with how to learn to accept things that are maddening, crazy, abusive and weird. Maybe he's just a high conflict person, and your challenge is to learn to say "Whatever, dude," and move along with your plans, whatever they are.
IMO, you should let yourself off the hook. Not every negative feeling is a resentment that has to be managed with step work, prayer, and forgiveness. It's perfectly normal to have negative reactions to negative, contradictory, and confusing behavior.
For me, I knew that when he said something that confused me and/or didn't make sense, my XAH was using or on his way. It was a primary feature of his addiction, and it was behavior DESIGNED to make me so preoccupied I left him alone in his illness. Once I saw the machination of this behavior, I could name it, observe it and set it aside.