You are not alone my friend. Alcohol is devious and does band things. its an insidious habit, as a matter of fact it kills.
However, you logged on to SR, created an account, admitted you have problem, and want help. My friend those aren't the actions of a weak person those are the actions a strong powerful person. A person that want to change and will if they give it a go.
I am a chronic relapser , but with every relapse I learn a lesson, I grow and learn new things, I want sobriety and will achieve it even if it takes time.
You are not alone, I have some of the same issues, don't fight this battle alone. You don't have to, know that another person shares some of what you feel. Stay strong my friend.
Stay safe and sober, TDG