Chinchillin

Hello everyone,

First of all I want to tell you all that I have lurked around these forums along with other websites for a long time now and have really appreciated the support you all give to one another and it has in turn helped me out.

Most of you are a lot older than me. I am only 22 years old. I am going to be finishing my engineering undergraduate curriculum at the end of the year from one of the top schools(top 2) in my field and I have been working for a great fortune 500 company every summer while drinking my life away.(So I think I am "Functional" which is dangerous)

I started drinking because I loved someone dearly(be it naive or not) and they disappointed me. I have always loved my parents and my sister, but I have big family issues. My extended family hate my father and I and it is reciprocated on our end. I've always been social but at the end of the day a loner and I opened up myself to her 100%.

I was always incredibly mature for my age and undoubtedly intelligent, so I thought I was superman. Well, I went and slept around with too many women and am lucky to not have any diseases. I was empty. I missed her and spiraled into depression and my social drinking turned into binge drinking every night.

I am in a better place now after a tough road, yet the depression and the alcohol abuse stayed with me and it doesn't leave... I really cannot stop drinking. I feel like I LIKE to be depressed and want to every night listen to certain music that would make me "feel" things back in the day and rewatch certain videos.

Also, it was always about getting the girl who once disappointed me back. Now I have her again(long story) and I am HAPPY. But I am a creature of habit and just thrive in the thirst for alcohol and depression at night. Lately, slowly, it has escalated to I come back from work and just want alcohol and want to feel not so much depressed but just inebriated, to function.

I know this is a long, poorly written and explained narrative, but I also know I don't want this deep down inside. Have you ever typed out "Don't want this" yet you get this craving for alcohol as you type it out? Alcohol addiction, I've read and feel first hand, finds a way to excuse itself into you life.

I want to say so much more and be so specific and I know from a higher order level it sounds petty that it was about losing someone so early in my life, but I hope you all can respect me and help me out with your own personal anecdotes and experience. I want to finish school well, continue on a great engineering track, and start a family. However, this alcohol problem is scary, real, and hidden from everyone.(as much as hiding it can actually mean- parents, friends, and girlfriend are concerned but don't get or choose to accept the magnitude of it)

Thank you so much in advance.

Edit: I guess I should add that I drink at least half of a fifth a night and sometimes take a swig or two before work/school, and I black out(not completely) all of the time and forget conversations I had with people.