Thanks for the replys.
I'm glad I came back to this site after so long away. I'm kicking myself that I allowed myself to start drinking again after doing so well for 8 months. I convinced myself that I probably wasn't an alcoholic and that I just needed to keep myself in check. When I first started drinking again I decided that I would only drink when I went out and never at home. That did not last long. As soon as the first sip of alcohol hits the back of my throat its as if I become possessed. My head goes fuzzy and I can almost feel my eyes narrowing and getting glazed like some crazy thirst hungry animal in search of blood.
I'm in denial. I want to be normal and 'enjoy' normal drinking but I'm not responsible enough. When I drink I probably enjoy the first 2 or 3 after that its not enjoyable, my head gets woosey, I get moody and feel guilty. I used to be able to drink normally a few years ago and I guess I cling on to that because I enjoyed that part of my life. I like socialising and like going to bars and restaurants. I can't get my head around not drinking and somehow losing out at social gatherings or celebration. Drinking for me is also kinda tribal, like being part of something. Not being able to drink makes me feel a little bit left out. The problem with the UK is that we associate drinking with down time. Having a drink is our way of relaxing, it's the reward at the end of a hard week. I'm going to find it difficult to rewire my brain to accept that drinking is not the be all and end all of life.
The hardest thing for me is that I quit for 8 months and then relapsed. The reason I relapsed is that I never really accepted my new way of life. Rather than not drink all I did was to avoid being in drinking situation. I used to drive everywhere just so I had a ready made excuse. I would tell lies that I was on antibiotics. I would say stuff like 'I'm trying to lose weight or on a health kick' just to avoid drinking. So what I'm asking here is how is this time going to be any different? I don't want to 'come out' as an alcoholic so saying no to drinking can prove difficult. I remember last time I quit trying to get through Christmas was hard work. Friends and family thought I was being weird and I had so much pressure to drink. I didn't drink but I have to be honest I hated that Christmas and couldn't wait for it to be over. I don't want to go through that kind of thing again.
I think for now I'm just going to take things day by day and hopefully learn on the way. I want to stop drinking but I want to get beyond just avoiding like I did before because for me that only works for so long.
Thanks for reading,
Sneeker (aka Whatsgoingon!)