Originally Posted by
clvlcv37 
Hi everyone, I've noticed that as time passes in recovery, there's different levels and types of anxiety that I have to deal with. It's kind of like I've been sweeping all of these different things under the rug for years (with drugs and alcohol) and now, one by one, they're coming out. Today has been really hard because the anxiety I'm facing used to be the final straw for me... like I used to be able to stay sober through all the emotions until I got to this one. This one is the most self-loathing of them all. I feel like I'm incapable of doing anything (work, social situations, meetings) because I'm paralyzed by this fear of messing up. I'm trying to stay hopeful and tell myself that if I can make it through this stage sober, I'll be better and stronger because of it. Can anyone relate to this idea of "stages" of recovery, and facing different demons each time?
Absolutely. As a matter of fact I saw a therapist the other day about all this anxiety I was having which I could not put a finger on. Sort of a sense of foreboding that was nagging me and putting a grey cloud over the day. The psych knows I'm a recovering alcoholic using the 12 steps. He suggested that after so long of holding down repressed emotions with alcohol they were finally starting to come to surface. He likened it to holding a balloon under water, remove the block and it breaks surface. Can happen gradually or all at once. He suggested I do two things; get active in recovery be it AA meetings or helping others and write a letter to myself, read it and burn it and a few days later repeat the process. He pointed out I still haven't made amends with myself. The psych has me looking at acceptance and commitment therapy which ties in nicely with the 12 step philosophy. Last thing he said was that alcoholics often suffer a type of PTSD in recovery. After years of self abuse and fear and guilt the affects often come back to haunt us in unexpected ways as well as the underlying suppressed emotions we never dealt with.
Try to be mindful of your thoughts, relax when you can and try meditation if you don't already. Take care and be kind to yourself. I have a spiritual source I go to for strength when I remember that I'm not the centre of the universe and can rely on a higher power within.
You will find your way, most of all it is a stage, a phase among many on the winding path of recovery. No journey is without its ups and downs, ruts and crossroads. The harder it gets means we are given an opportunity to practice our principles and get stronger.