Sick of this wine glass, stuck to my mouth
Ive been drinking for a long time, really heavy for the past 12 months, haven't had a day off in god knows how long. I stopped for nearly 3 months about 3 years ago but that was only because I nearly got took to hospital because my pulse rate was so high, it scared me, my mum took me to the doctors & they gave me beta blockers, then I was put on various antidepressants, until I found one that worked in a way as I was getting panic attacks.
Drink has always been apart of my life in one way or another, happy times, sad times, glad times you name it there's always a reason to drink for me, like many of you who read this, you'll understand we can create any drama we like to drink.
Im only 37 & I feel its taken the best years of my life away, I am married, have a lovely home, no money worries but all I care about is drink. Recently ive been letting things slip, not looking after myself, leaving the housework,not taking the dog for a walk, avoiding my family to DRINK.
I am getting help & have been going to my sessions to learn why I drink? Various reasons the main one being I don't like myself very much & Im a failure so I think. ive been put forward for a home detox, which the hard work will come after as my brain & body are both dependant on the stuff, Im hoping to get my health back as Ive got all the signs of addiction, mentally I cant remember things as good, I have blackouts where im still functioning but cant remember the next day, the sweats which go as soon as the alcohol goes back in my body, pins & needles, throwing up the list goes on.......
I really want to change my life I know I can only do it for me, ive tried doing it for my husband, family, etc but it doesn't work, it has to be for yourself, I know what I have to do, its the doing it that's the battle, I drink on my own most of the time until my hubands had enough of me then I just carry on & on & on I have no limits, its frightening. Everyday I say I wont drink today but I always do, not for fun for nothing well addiction, it don't make sense I suppose to a lot of people but they don't live in my shoes.
I do want to stop, I want this poison out my body...
Thanks for listening, its hard when your trying to hide a secret, which everyone probably knows now im becoming a careless drunk, only took me 20 years.