Hate
I'm having a really hard time not hating my AH. I am not far into my recovery from being codependent and all the other things that happen when married to an alcoholic. I'm trying to take care of myself and I know that includes getting rid of all the anger and hurt. I hear myself saying in my head that some day I will find someone who will be nice to me and I know that is not healthy. I wouldn't be surprised to wake up and find him dead one morning from his drinking and the xanax that he has to take "to deal with" me. You all could see that one coming right? I can't look him in the eye. I'm disgusted and beyond disappointed. Divorce is currently not an option but could change. He is starting to see a therapist to "work on himself" however not sure he is really ready. I stay at home and fortunately he travels a lot for work. We have four children the youngest is autistic which can be very challenging. I don't think I'm using his disability as an excuse to stay in the marriage to me right now it is more important to help my child the best I can. He is nice to the kids loves them and is not violent or abusive to them. With him gone so much they don't have to hear too much fighting.
I'm trying to create boundaries based on things that make me feel bad. I think I have made some progress with that. I don't know that we will be together in five years, weeks or even days but I'm okay with that right now. I'm not okay with the hate and resentments I can't seem to let go of. I see a lot of posts from people who have divorced but I notice there are some of you who remain married. My question to ALL of you is how do you do it? Do you allow yourself to speak with them about things that make you angry? Not necessarily old stuff but as things happen. I find that I typically hold it in because when I don't he turns it into my fault and plays that game. Do you feel like you are not being true to yourself by not saying things you feel should be said? How do you find peace internally?
Sorry that was so long and I hope it made sense. I don't currently have support from anyone who has been through this and when I read the posts here I feel safe, sane and understood. I appreciate that more than I can express right now.