FireSprite

That's a tough one CJ.

Reading this I have to ask, what about Love? You speak of moments of joy but that's not the same thing. I know we talk a lot around here about how feelings aren't real & we can't base our decisions on our emotions, but to me Love as an emotion has to exist in my marriage otherwise there is no point in being married. I can be happily single, I don't need a domestic partnership to feel complete.

Do you Love him? Are you In Love with him? If so, what are the things that you love about him? (no need to answer here....)

I ask because for me, this is what it comes down to. I can deal with RAH baby-stepping through recovery at his own pace because ultimately I truly, deeply love the silly SOB. I find him funny & fun to be around when we aren't mired in recovery-speak. I am still physically attracted to him on a huge level & we've managed to keep a strong sex life despite everything. I love his gentleness with children & animals & his incredible talent as a musician. I love when he gets out his acoustic guitar & sings to me on our back deck like we're at a private concert for 1. I love that makes me feel sexy & special & loved. I love a lot of things about him that were clouded or buried under his addiction & that the further he gets into recovery are starting to show through more brightly again. I love that he wants to be better & is striving for that even if he isn't a smashing success at it every step of the way.

At first I didn't know if or how much of his original self (or the better 2.0 version) would emerge, so it definitely started with me taking a big step back & looking at who he was through new eyes. It's an exercise in patience because I have to wait for him to reach his own awarenesses & observe how he goes forward with them in life.

That being said, when he hits a wall & stops making progress I find myself getting itchy & starting to reassess. (Like Stung, sometimes my automatic overreaction is to self-protect.... I'm outta here! This will never work!) I have learned to observe my own behavior & be patient until I am not reacting & then I try to open up the conversation about where I see room for improvement between us. I have to take that time so that I don't go after the situation like "You, you, you... need to make changes." I try to judge my own behavior first & I always ask him to let me know where I can improve on my side of things. It's hard - rebuilding trust hurts on both sides. I don't want to be a harda$$, but I'm not settling for less than I deserve either. Never again.

We just took a short vacation & when one of my good friends was going through the pics she paused at one of RAH where I caught him in the middle of a big belly laugh, playing with DD in the pool. She remarked that wow, it was so good to see parts of the "old" him shining through again, even if the stress of recovery sometimes gets him down. (and by stress of recovery I mean stuff like fixing the disaster of our financial situation, uncovering new "damage" from his past that needs addressed, etc....)

Not sure if this helps or hurts, I know I rambled on so sorry for that. Like I said, I know it's not a popular opinion to examine the emotion & in most cases I completely agree..... but it's also different when you stay in a relationship vs. leaving it. It's not perfect, but idk that any marriage is without complications of some sort.