The anxiety finally won.
I'm an anxious hot mess by nature.
The kinder, gentler term is a "Highly Sensitive Person". Translated, what it means to me is life as most people are able to experience it, can not be metabolized and surrendered to by me, as such.
Huh ?
I have been practicing meditation for a year and a half. I do so because without it, I have a hard time functioning in normal society. There are times when my anxiety is so crippling, I can hardly draw a clear breath. I have tried all the tricks, exercise, cutting out caffeine, sugar, massage, you name it. I've done it. I was doing it.
And then....duh duh duh....
Cities and hustle and bustle generally compound my anxiety to near unbearable levels.
I had been able to diffuse it, for the most part, for a good long while. I was traveling with my family, to Manhattan, and the city just kicked my ass this time.
I'd like to say I know why. But I don't. Nothing was different, I was in a great place mentally before I stepped into the craziness that defines that city. But this time, I literally couldn't cope. Day one was spent in agony, day two resulted in my having to take a half a Xanax just to be able to put one foot In front of the other. Lost that day to sleep. Damn it.
Day three, I caved. I had a glass of wine at dinner, and for reasons I am not even remotely proud of, suddenly, I felt it all lift.
Ahhhhhhh, I could breathe again.
I'm frightened as to what this means. Psychologically. Physiologically.
I'm holding into the fact that the planets were in misalignment and perhaps that what was provoking the knee rendering anxiety, but truth be told, I'm not sure.
Have I become another PAWS statistic ?
We all know it works.
Until it no longer does.
I didn't get wasted. I didn't even care to. I just wanted out of the skin that I could no longer contain myself in.
Absolutely nothing else worked, and I simply couldn't bear feeling like I was dying every god awful minute.
I'm so tired of trying to figure it out.
So I'm leaning on you all to help me find my way again.
XO AO