It all sounds crazy, I know... red flags red flags red flags. I had my own red flags though... She accepted them. It isn't fair to assume what I 'deserve'. She carried me though the lowest point in my life, and I've been approaching this as a disease. I've been thinking along the line of, "If she had cancer, would I still bail?" And yes... I know it's all pretty silly. That being said, I learned a lot about addiction... and maybe I can help someone else too. And another, and another.. Why do I put myself through this? That's very difficult to say. My counselor (who was my marriage counselor) believes that I'm psychologically atoning for some great sin I committed. What I do know is that if someone... anyone would have stuck with me and gave me some guidance at an earlier age, then I might not be where I am now. Late to the game, and scrambling to play catch up building a life. But I digress...
I suppose there is one comment that really puzzles me though... "she needs to be alone and focus on her sobriety." Does she really need to do that alone? Does her focus really need to be *that* laser sharp that she forgoes all other things in life? Deny herself the things that made her happy? Is it always going to be about "the drugs"? Aren't you just trading one addiction for another at that point? Either you're doing drugs or recovering from drugs? drugs... drugs... drugs... Does that really work if you are always thinking about drugs? And does she really need to be 'alone' to do that? I guess I don't get that part.
But to answer your question, Hopefull, I believe it was... Yes. If someone were to be telling me this story I would have to ask them "What the hell are you thinking???" Even as I typed it I nearly backspaced and left out certain parts of it... But eh... It's my life. It's my story. and I really have to own that, mistake or no. lol
I just wanted to say to you three though, that while I found writing out my story very therapeutic, I am finding your responses very helpful. Please keep them coming. I really need someone to talk some sense into me rather than have people spew the Woody Allen "The heart wants what it wants" BS. I didn't want you to think that I was deflecting your advice. It very much makes sense.
