Originally Posted by
Admiral 
I think that eventually I will use again .... I think that I will unless something changes
Sounds like something does indeed need to change
and imho there is only one thing which we can change.
I hope you find some direction, commitment, a mission, enjoyment, stuff-to-be-grateful-for, hope, acceptance, self-worth, Admiral. I doubt you'll find this stuff in a $10 bag. Doors will open if you don't pick up. Good luck with the job-hunting!