HerbiceXXV

As I write this... I understand how foolish it all is. So please bear that in mind when you read or respond.

I was 39 when I met 'Pixie'. I was 2-weeks into my 3rd separation from my (now) ex-wife. I was at a bar that was fairly far from my house, a 30 minute drive perhaps, when she walked in. At that time she was 22. We talked quite a bit that night and it was instant attraction for both of us. In fact, she was in the bar with a gentleman that she was seeing when we were locking-lips in the back of the building. She explained to me that she was in rehab for heroin and benzos, but I didn't care. I was a middle age man in the middle of a divorce, and I figured finding something like this was what I was supposed to be doing at this point.

During the next few months when I was 'recovering' from being newly divorced in an apartment with no furnishings and hardly a dime to my name, 'Pixie' would come and keep me company. Sure... There was sex and all of the things that an FWB should be providing, but there was something else happening too. Sometime in the thick of it, I fell in love with her. She did all the right things to make that happen. I had often joked that this must be God's cruel joke... to send someone so perfect to me that was also so very young. Mind you, we had not ONLY been drinking together... we would actually *do* sober things that couples would do together. Family nights with my kids (I have 3... 7 and a pair of 5 year old twins...), movies, walks in the park/woods, romantic dinners, cuddling on the couch... It wasn't a 'drinking' based relationship.

May of last year was her first relapse. As odd as it sounds, both of her parents are homosexual, and she and I were at a Gay Pride festival here in our town. She had been spending quite a bit of time with some of my lesbian friends and had connected with a friend of a friend. In addition to smoking pot and getting incoherently drunk, they also became intimately involved with her. Pixie explained to me that she thought she was 'gay', and wanted to be with a woman. Sadly, I delt with it. About a week later she told me she made a terrible mistake and wanted to be with me again. She quit pot and we were again a couple. She was 'on point' and did all the right things. We made each other happy.

By the time January of this year rolled around she had been acting really odd and I knew something was going on. She would make plans only to cancel them. She would allow hours to pass before returning a call or text if she returned them at all. She would tell me she was doing one thing, but then have no story to tell about that particular event. One night when we were watching a movie together, she had left her phone out. I had seen her enter her password so many times it was ridiculous and my suspicion got the best of me. In her camera roll, I found pictures of her engaging in sexual acts with another man. I was outraged. When I confronted her about it... and no I was not nice about it... she had explained to me that she was using again but wanted to be clean. She said that it wasn't her, but instead it was the drugs that were making her engage in this kind of behavior. She said that she wanted to get clean, and she wanted me to be a part of her process.

By this point I have so many investments in her emotionally, financially, spiritually and all the other romantic connections that I am believing if I just stick with this woman and accept the fact that she is an addict and I'm just supportive of her in her plight, that there will someday be a 'payout' for me. That she'll be a faithful and dedicated partner because, again... when she's 'on', she's 'on.' I mean she is the most absolute perfect partner to me.

We were planning on her moving in with me and building a life together, but as the move in day approached she just... in inexplicably broke up with me. I chalked this up to her being nervous about playing 'big girl' (she was living with her Dad, previously...) but still, I was stunned. Just... Stunned. We still talked as friends for the next couple of weeks or so. This is around St. Patricks day... She starts acting 'weird' again. She was visiting with a mutual friend when a vehicle unexpectedly came to the house and picked her up. She told my friend that her grandfather was in the hospital (her grandfather had 'died' during the two past relapses, and when I offered her father condolences he looked at me like I had two heads...) and my friend texted me immediately. I confronted Pixie about this and told her that she had to call me right at THAT moment. She explained that there were things going on that I didn't understand, so I pretty much explained that she had to tell me or I had to talk with her mom and/or dad. After a long and terrible web of dishonest half-truths. At that point she explained that she'd been arrested on prescription drug charges (klonopin non orig container) and marijuana charges. The very next day, I picked her up en-route to buy more drugs she said she needed to go to detox and wanted to be in inpatient rehab, where she is currently for the next week. from mid march until the end of May, she had been going to daily addiction meetings: NA/AA as a substitute for inpatient, and has been going to rehab. She's been clean since March.

The night before she went into rehab, she asked me to write to her and she said that she would call when she could. While she's been in there I've explained to her that if me not drinking was what it took to be her partner, then that is what I would do. After all, I do enjoy a glass of wine or beer or two once or twice a week when I do my night job, DJ work. I'm around alcohol those days. She hasn't called in a couple of weeks, and it basically took me to send her a self addressed stamped envelope to get her to write me back. In the letter though, she explained that she couldn't associate with people who drink/drug anymore... and I'm starting to think that I am being lumped into that category. In one way I'm okay with it... I've been through a lot as her partner that I just *never* want to experience again. On the other hand... I know she'll contact me when she gets out next week and we'll have the talk about getting back together. And since I love this girl I'm probably going to say 'okay'. So what's my problem?

None of this is certain. And I'm 41 now, so can't really be investing in things that aren't beneficial long term for my family and me. And I don't know if I should be moving on or hanging in there. I don't know if she's being advised to ditch me or keep me on as one of her main pillars of support. And as much as I want to pull away and bail, I still love her very much. I just honestly wish she'd give me some direction here. So, friends and family... What's your experience?