WhatAboutME

Hi:

I just found this forum today, and have spent hours reading through posts. I have been married to my husband since 2000. We have been together since 1996. We have no children. My husband was an alcoholic when we met, although I did not recognize the signs then, as we were just out of college and still very much active in the "party" scene. He is also bulimic, and has been since his early teens (He is now 31). His struggle with alcohol has steadily progressed through the years. He stopped drinking for almost a year, although he was not active in any type of real recovery program. I guess you could say he was just winging it. He, of course, started drinking again...on the very night that my father, whom had been living with us due to his declining health, slipped into a coma. After about 6 months of steady binge drinking, 2 trips to rehab and 2 DWI's, he found sobriety once again for another year. And once again, he participated in no real recovery program. He started drinking again last April (2004), and has not stopped yet. He doesn't drink everyday, but every single week, 1-2 days. He also goes on binges every 4-6 weeks for several days at a time when he is not sober at all, day or night. Despite having 2 DWI's, he will still get behind the wheel and drive. In early February, I slipped on some ice in front of the store that I own and operate, and broke my ankle. Our store is about 40 minutes from our house. I called my husband to pick me up, but he was drunk. I hobbled to my car and drove myself home. That was on a Saturday. That binge continued late through the night on the following Tuesday. Finally, on Wednesday, 3 days after falling, he sobered up long enough to take me to the ER. Of course my leg was put in a cast and I become reluctantly dependent on my husband for assistance, and most of all, transportation. On 5 occassions, in a span of 5 weeks, he picked me up from work drunk. I had no choice but to drive us both home with my leg in the cast. And each time, he promised he would not drink and put me in the car with him again. And he broke his promise every time. He readily admits that he is an alcoholic, but won't go to AA. He claims that it won't do any good. I know he is making excuses and manipulating me. He is not at all a social drinker and does not go to bars. He hides his alcohol in every nook and cranny of this house and drinks in the shadows. I've caught him drinking in the basement, in our attic crawl space, in the garage, and even the bushes outside. He also drinks mouthwash, quite frequently, and in large quantities.

I have participatecd in Al-Anon a few years ago. Although I logically know that I can't control or cure his addiction/s, I give in to my frustration with this disease almost every time. I confront him, insult him, belittle him and threaten him. I often surprise myself with how enraged and mean I can become. I know it's wrong. And I know it is only adding insult to injury. I read the post today about different kinds of Enablers, and I am an extreme form of #2.

As I type this, he is passed out. He has been on a lethal binge for the past 2 days. He is beyond drunk and incoherent. He is probably bordering alcohol poisoning. He is supposed to be at work tomorrow at 8am. Obviously he needs rehab, but we have no insurance. And honestly, will he really learn anything new this time around? What difference does rehab make if he refuses to continue with any type of recovery plan afterwards?

I am a shell of my former self. I isolate myself and share my "terrible secret" with no one. I feel horribly guilty with how I deal with his alcoholism. But I am mad. We have not been intimate in over a year. I have a serious problem with letting go of this anger and resentment I feel towards him. There are 2 incidents in particular that I don't know if I can ever get over. He had to be carried out of our wedding reception by his father because he was so drunk and put to bed. And my biggest issue, he hid a bottle of liquor in his suit coat at my father's wake, got loaded in the bathroom and passed out. My uncles had to leave the wake and carry him to the car and drive him to my Grandmother's, where we were staying with family. I just don't know how to let go. There is absolutely no trust. He lies about everything, all the time. In the past year, I don't feel like I know him at all. He is not the person I met so many years ago, and not the person I married. I have to remind him to shower. As much as I hate to admit it, I have come to realize that he may very well be one of the many alcoholics that just don't make it. At the age of 31, he is on the borderline of becoming a statistic to this horrible disease. And there is nothing I can do about it. At one time, our annual income was well over $200,000 per year. We are now barely able to pay our $500 per month mortgage. We are on the verge of finacial ruins. And now, as he lays there passed out, I am stressed about him possibly not being able to go to work tomorrow. We need the money.

I am 33 and realize that I will probably never have children because I would never dream of bringing a child into this nightmare situation. I resent him for taking that option away from me. From us. I am at the end of my rope and desperate for help, for both of us. Sadly, lately it seems as though the line between hating the disease and him is becoming blurred. Even if I find a way to detach myself from his when he is drinking, we have no life because he always seems to be drinking! And we always seem to be at odds with each other because of his drinking.

I am sorry for rambling on, but I would welcome any advice on what I could do for him and myself. I am just at a loss. I am so emotionally drained.