I've lived with that feeling, Icelandic. The only time it ever subsided was during brief periods when alcohol actually lived up to my expectations and I felt the buzz. I'd say that was about 5% of the time. The rest was filled with feeling out of control, helpless, and hopeless. Add to that frightened, ashamed, guilty, useless, embarrassed, sorry... I think once you get through detox and rehab, you will feel a lot better about things. Be patient with it and with yourself. You won't always feel golden - who ever does? - but you won't have the specter of an active addiction hanging over your head anymore. That will be a huge load off your shoulders. Wishing you all the best.