One thing that I think about a lot, in regards to our son, is that I cannot come from a place of anger towards him. My brother did do that - he told his addict daughter that she was done, over with, finished, no matter what... don't call me, don't talk to me, don't let me see you. I feel that his decision had much more to do with his anger towards her at how she turned out, and the horrible choices she made repeatedly, and the hurt she caused him (all of which was justifiable) rather than anything in mind for what might be right for her.
I am working today on detaching with love. I have NOT told my son that he can't call me anymore, or talk to me, or that he's finished with us, world without end amen. I think that *would* have much more to do with me and how I'm feeling, than with what's best for him.
Nobody will ever know how much my brother's decision concerning his daughter contributed to her death. I think, having known her since she was born, that she may well have been destined for an early grave. Nevertheless, of course her example haunts me. I spun off for a long, long time, thinking that this was a prime reason or even a sign that I needed to "be there" for my son no matter what, that we had to keep him alive and that trumped every other consideration.
This is a huge reason why I will continue to have contact with my son yet... I also know that I have to do the right thing for him today, which is to stay strong in helping him understand what has to be now in his life. I already know dozens of things that "won't work" with him (I think, Chicory, you have a big list like that, too) so now it's time for me to try something new and different, that just might.
Hugs and strength.....
Jane