"why? i don't even want it the way it was and yet i was devastated that he doesn't want it either."
I have been here and I think it is fear combined with a need to be loved. No one wants to be the one to pull the trigger and end a relationship that isn't working. Or at least I wasn't. I would put up with it and put up with it and put up with it, knowing it wasn't working. Knowing I didn't want it to work but was afraid to let go because maybe I was making a mistake? Maybe I would never find anyone again so settled on being miserable in a relationship. And then was devastated when THEY broke it off. Hurt pride. Loss of control that I wasn't the one leaving on my own terms but was rejected by the person I had already rejected in my head.
For me it came to the point where I learned and accepted that it is okay to not be in a relationship. I learned that it is okay to be the person who doesn't end the relationship. It hurts. It hurts a lot but it is okay. Be kind to yourself. You are having a tough time and had a lot going on with a lot of stress. Sometimes I think we hold onto the hurt of a lost relationship to make the other hurts seem more manageable, if that makes sense? Hang in there.