sorcharuane

hi all. i have been looking at posts on sober recovery through the past 9 months of a relationship with an active alcoholic. i am a recovering addict myself, 14 years clean and sober, but i am still attracted to alcoholics and addicts. i thought i had improved in this area until this last relationship i got into. i was in a very bad place when i got into it. my 11 year old daughters dad had died a year and a half before and while we were not together he was a good friend and a great support. just after that i fell out with my sister (also a recovering addict and up until then my best friend), and just as i was meeting the alcoholic my mum was diagnosed with cancer.

i knew i shouldn't be getting into a relationship with an active alcoholic but i felt i needed someone so much at that time. also i was already in al-anon and thought i might be able to make it work if i used the programme tools. i didn't know at first quite how much he drinks- it can be up to 2 bottles of vodka a day when he is bingeing, binges can last every day for a couple of weeks, then he might go off it for a week or two. he is like 3 different people, there's him sober, then the happy drunk, then the nasty drunk.

and he has been nasty at times. he has, when drunk constantly gone on about how attractive other women are and threatened to go back to his exes if i mention a male friend. he has been, again while drunk very jealous and suspicious even when i'm going to my meetings. i don't try to arouse jealousy and am a very loyal person. he has called me names, stopped me leaving his house and my own car when i didn't want to get into an argument with him. i have several times tried to leave the relationship because i know it's unhealthy for me but then he comes around all nice and sorry and i've given in every time.

three weeks ago we had an incident which involved all of the above behaviours and i made up my mind i'd had enough (again!). he kept trying to contact me, saying sorry etc. i knew he was still drinking and i told him i would talk to him when he sobered up. he sobered up maybe 10 days ago and i didn't hear anything until he called my son over to his house today and gave him some of my stuff to take up to me. i got annoyed that he hadn't tried to talk to me sober and i called to his house and asked him were we not even going to have a conversation. why is it so hard to let go? i kept hoping he would sort himself out and we could have a proper relationship!

he told me i'd had 3 weeks to have a conversation and i hadn't called down. i said he hadn't told me he was sober or asked me to have a conversation. he told me he wasn't sobering up for anyone, he does his own thing and we are better off just being friends as we keep niggling at each other. i said ok. and came home and fell apart. why? i don't even want it the way it was and yet i was devastated that he doesn't want it either. can anyone else identify wit this or shed any light? it's all made harder by the fact that he lives very near me and i see him often in passing. if you have read all of this i want to thank you, i know it's quite long. and i would appreciate any feedback given, thanks.