Dear Chicory, I certainly understand your sadness and fear. We, too, are very reluctant to cut off our drinking/drugging 24 yo son. I don't even know what I'm so afraid of... maybe that he'll just play it out to the end of the string now, maybe that he'll wind up in a venue (e.g. jail, the homeless shelter) where he can't defend himself, maybe who knows? Yet intellectually I also know that when someone's back is against the wall, usually they DO figure out a way to get through.
I think what both of us have to do is weigh out whether what we think we are doing "for" the addict is really what we are doing "to" the addict. I think it's possible, at least for me and maybe also for you, that fear is prohibiting us from taking the appropriate step here. We have been told, even though our son has serious medical problems, that he probably won't get better until he has to, and that he won't have to, while he's with us. We have the peace of mind, such as it is, when he's under our roof, that he's not out sleeping under a bridge, but then we also have the sickening feeling of time and opportunities slipping away, while he ROTS under our roof.
I also feel like, I need to get myself out of the cycle of endless complaining about his horrible behavior, while simultaneously doing nothing to change my own life.
It is very, very hard, and I would be the last person to make a snap judgment around your situation or try and tell you what to do. My one consolation in the past few weeks' turmoil and crisis is that my husband is finally, finally coming to be on the same page with me about what needs to happen with our son. I think making an excruciating decision like this will be much easier if we make it together.
Just as a final thought, if you did ask your son to leave, that would not mean you would refuse to ever speak to or interact with him again. It doesn't mean he's "dead to you," it would just mean that he's no longer your responsibility. Most of us ARE our own responsibility, we came to it organically as we grew up, but some folks apparently need a "bright line" division at some point in their lives.
Okay lots of good positive energy coming both our ways today!
Jane