Butterfly

I have not spoken to my AH since Friday, 4 days now and have not seen him in 2 weeks but I am struggling with not talking to him or seeing him I have never gone more than 3 days without contacting him!!!! I know that when I do contact him I am the one that is left upset and I end up right back to where I started but I miss him although not sure what I miss! After 18 years together it's so difficult to go from seeing and talking to him him everyday to nothing, although it has taken me 3 months to get to no contact.

I certainly don't miss his moods, or his drinking or the weekends where I couldn't sleep in case he left the house or waking up the next morning and worrying in case he started drinking again that day. I certainly don't miss the anxiety I felt coming up to the weekends or if he was out!!

I have been focusing on myself and through the book how to stop being addicted to a person. I have learned a lot about myself and about our relationship but there are times when I have so much running round my head I can't make sense of my feelings and emotions!! Although I am feeling angry today I know that emotion. My AH was to see my daughter on sat but he decided to go to his brothers house and he rang her at 6pm drunk crying down the phone about how he had messed things up with me and how he was a useless dad. He then arranged to see her on Sunday but didn't turn up or contact her. He texted her today about meeting up tonight and when she told him they had arrangements for the weekend he came up with some nonsense that he tried to contact her before he went to his brothers but he 'didn't realise they had definite plans as it's hard to pin you down'. He apparently was so ill on Sunday with a bunged up nose and sore throat he took to his bed!!!! More like he was hungover or still drinking!! he told her the usual stuff he would tell me I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you or let you down blah blah blah nonsense!! I swear now he's choosing to drink instead of spend time with his kids!!!! I want to ring him and scream down the phone at him but my daughter has asked me not to. She says it's his loss!!!!

I certainly don't feel as devastated as I first did when he left, I couldn't understand how someone who professed to loving me could do this, would rather drink than be with his family. I still don't understand it but there is nothing I can do it's his decision!

Yet when the anger goes I will want to contact him and ask him how he is and whether he's still in love with me yet deep down I know that while he may love me alcohol is more important to him than his family!!!!

This is a terrible illness and it destroys everyone in its path!!