I will check out that book recommendation LR, thanks.
The extent that I am willing to go to in order to self-sabotage like this is truly boggling now that I am looking at it just slightly differently. Right down to the details like my food shopping habits. Again, this is not new info to me but something has changed in how I see it following this incident. I always say that shifting our perspective by just one degree is enough to see things differently & here is a shining example...
One thing I am positive of is that this is all a very elaborate symptom of much more; I expect there is a good amount of fear involved at the core of it.
I spent the weekend watching The United States of Tara which I hadn't seen before & it is pretty interesting really. Here she has all of these very extroverted alter personalities & it struck me that there was such a crazy freedom to that, it's like the flip side of the coin from the way that the vast majority of us deal with our damage.
As insane as it sounds I had just started drawing & using colored pencils in my journaling last week so I think I'm going to create little paper dolls in my journal that represent all the different sides I see & feel in my own Self. My Inner Child, Princess Warrior, Fat Teenager... whatever floats up as I sink into the project.
I'm no artist so I printed off some generic printables online that I can trace to create silhouettes & then just fill in the details with my pencils & art supplies. Just to capture it in more than theory, sort of create my own visualization? DD's bday is coming up & we are taking her & her BFF camping for 3 days in lieu of a big party. I'm going to see if they want to work on their own versions of the dolls during the short road trip there & back.
Thanks so much for all the support!