Instead of starting a new thread I thought I'd keep posting my little updates in this thread rather than starting a new one... especially since I often read back through my own posts weeks & months later.
A couple of days ago I caught myself setting myself up for a codie-relapse. I'm not even sure if that's the best phrase for it, but it's close enough. It's a good self-discovery & that's all that I really care about.
I had had a busier-than-usual week. DD is off school & floats around to different F&F over the summer so it's a whole new routine; I work at home a couple of days per week & my boss ended up taking a couple of unplanned days out of the office so lots of re-juggling there too. I had one night planned for my personal activities & ended up adding a 2nd night impromptu. My close friend is also dealing with a crisis & while I'm not taking it on necessarily, I did spend more time than usual just being there, being a friend, talking & texting throughout the entire week.
By Thursday RAH had gone 4 days in between meetings, which is about his max limit these days. Otherwise he starts getting twitchy, lol. Before even speaking to him that afternoon, I fully expected that he would tell me that he was going to hit a meeting that night & even looked forward a bit to the alone time at home to catch up on some Netflix & do some girly stuff like a facial & pedicure. (I always think of Charlotte on Sex & the City - I think she called it her "SSB"... secret single behavior, when a married woman spends time doing all that grooming that makes us look like we magically glow without effort
).
So when that expectation (or educated guess?) was exactly what happened I should have been able to roll with it. Instead I found myself picking a mild argument with him right before he left for his meeting (can't even tell you about what now... it was that stupid) & the whole time I can hear myself in the 3rd person in my mind observing this saying, "WTF are you DOING?" Even the points I had that were valid were poorly timed & largely unprovoked.
I had to keep stepping away physically because
my own behavior was confusing & upsetting me & all I kept feeling was my anxiety rising. Why was *I* upsetting myself??
And I found myself doing what I do.... standing in the pantry, deciding which snack I was going to comfort myself with...... when it hit me..... had I done it all FOR THIS? To simply justify my raid on the chocolate stash? To give myself Emotional Permission to indulge without witnesses (after all, RAH would be gone to his meeting for hours & DD is off to her room for the night with her DVD player & kindle for the downtime part of her day.). Even though I'd feel some guilt & self-judgment later no matter what, I've curtailed the majority of it by providing a "good" reason for the binge. And lookey there, I'd timed it just right so I would have enough time to be nice & worked up but not enough time to actually resolve anything.... leaving me plenty of time to stuff my face/emotions after a stressful week.
I think in times/arguments past there was plenty of blame to shift to RAH at times like this (i.e. I was less unprovoked) & in the absence of that I was losing a comfort zone/crutch. A crutch I embraced because I have spent decades battling issues with food. Decades going back to my childhood & dealing with AF - often the only control I ever had in life was limited to food & my body.
Now I can't un-see it; I can't hide behind ignorance any longer. I'm going to have to examine my motivations when this kind of trigger/situation arises in the future.