Just wanted to say that I used to be like you. However I do drink in the morning now. I do start my days with the intention of drinking. I do black out now. My point is this thing is progressive. You may not be as bad as it gets now. But you will get there in time.
Sorry I can't give you any helpful advice. I'm still using and miserable. But from what I've gathered over the years a spiritual awakening or total psychic change is the only thing that can help a real alcoholic.
Good luck.